Thisismyspiel.

혼자서

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 03:26:08 -0400

혼자서 있을 때마다
너가 자꾸 생각나
잊힐 줄 알았는데
잊을 수 있다고 믿었는데
오히려 반대야
더 보고 싶어
미치겠어
난 아직 너 생각 뿐이야
아직 그때로 돌아가고 싶고
마음은 아직 거기서 맴돌고 있나봐

It's all just so #$(&#($@&ing complicated.

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 03:22:01 -0400

Why is everything so @#$%*#($*ing complicated.

~~I wish we could keep things simple.~~

I wish I could think more simple.

But the more I try to think in a simpler sense,

things get SO #$@(*ing complicated…

because life isn’t just that simple

and there aren’t just black and white answers to everything,

there’s always tradeoffs and opportunity losses.

Even if you make the perfect decision in that situation or circumstance,

the fact of the matter is that…. circumstances change..

and as they change.. so do the outcomes, the consequences.

In the end, the more you know, the more $*(@#*$ing complicated things get.

Spiel of the day, now off to bed.

What's on my mind?

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 03:14:00 -0400

YOU are on my mind.

That is the only thing on my mind.

I wish I could change that mind.

So that you wouldn’t be invading my mind.

But in the end, it’s all hopeless, because…

you are STILL on my mind.

and all I end up thinking about about is you… ♥

Maybe.

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 01:41:42 -0400

Maybe this is for the best.

Maybe this is how things should’ve been since the beginning.

Maybe there is a reason behind all this.

Maybe, just maybe something good will come out of all of it.

This maybe is the only hope that prevents me from breaking down.

This maybe is the only way I can live on and reassure myself without the accumulation of guilt and regrets clouding my mind.

A million hearts You’re the only one Who lights me up Like I’m glowing in the...

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 01:38:38 -0400

A million hearts

You’re the only one

Who lights me up

Like I’m glowing in the dark

… ♥

희망

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 01:33:52 -0400

희망이라는 거

나도 한번 갖어 보자

되든 말든 한번 해보자

믿어보자 한번

더 이상 아쉬움과 두려움에 눌려있지 말고

용기를 갖어 보자

힘을 업어서 한번 도전 해보자

그래야지 미련이 남던 말던

노력이라도 했다는 변명이라도 할 거 아니야

보고싶어

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 01:28:40 -0400

보고 싶어

너무 너무 너무 보고 싶다

볼 수 없다는 걸 아니까 더욱더 보고 싶어

인정하기 싫지만 사실인 것 나도 알아…

그런 내가 더 싫어

One step closer

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 01:17:23 -0400

I want to approach you,
I want to get closer.
I want to get to know you,
I want so badly to be a part of your life, to mean something to you, to dwell in your presence.

I want ALL of this.

Yet, why is it, WHY IS IT that every time I try to take one step closer
I end up taking two steps back?

Tell me why,
why is it so hard?

Why is it so much easier said than done?

Just don't

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 01:14:26 -0400

Don’t act like you know everything about me.
Don’t act like you give a shit.
Don’t act like you know the next move I’m going to make.
Don’t act like you’re so naive and innocent.
Don’t act like this means anything to you.

Just. Stop. Pretending.

I can see right through you and it’s sickening me.
You are SO absolutely fake.

Get the FUCK out.

복수

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 13:50:15 -0500

너가 나한테 제일 크게 복수할 수 있는 거는
행복이야

그러니까 행복해야 해
그래야지 너의 복수가 이루어질 테니까
그래야지 내 죄책감이 조금이라도 회복될 수 있을 테니까

그러니까 행복하게 살아
뒤돌아보지 말고

나와 함께했던 시간들에 미련 두지 말고
좋은 사람 꼭 만나기를 바래

Unworthy

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 13:45:04 -0500

I know I’m unworthy of you

I know I’ve wronged you

You were nothing but pure and loving to me

and yet all I have done is hurt you.

I’m sorry, I’m completely undeserving of you.

I know you’ll be in a happier place without me.

This is my goodbye.

미안해

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 13:42:38 -0500

한때 너와 평생 함께 할거란 약속했었어
너를 지켜주고 싶었어
그 약속 지킬 수 있다고 믿어왔어

오직 순수한 사랑이란 것 진심으로 해보고 싶었어
그때만큼은 자신 있었어
우리 둘만으로 충분하고 행복할 수 있다고 생각했어

그땐, 넌 내 전부였으니까
그땐, 너밖에 안보였으니까
그때만큼은 영원한 사랑이라고 믿었으니까

근데 언제부터
욕심이 커졌고
더 바라고
더 바라니까 실망하고
실망하니까 서운하고
서운해서 언제부터인지 마음은 변하기 시작했어

이런 내 모습이 싫지만
이런 내가 싫지만
이런 내가 나 조차도 원망스럽지만
근데 멈출 수가 없었어
아니, 멈출 수 있었겠지
근데 내 욕심이 너무 커졌어

그러다가 보니 어느새
너가 달라 보이고
너에 대한 마음은 예전 같지 않아졌어……

그래서 미안해
변명하지 않을게
그럴 자격도 없으니까
나도 알아
내 탓이라는걸

그리고 나보다 나은 사람 만나기를 바래
내가 아껴준 것보다
훨씬 너를 생각해주고 챙겨주고
예뻐 해주고 사랑해줄 수 있는 사람…

다시

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 13:25:53 -0500

다시 사랑이란 것을 해보고 싶다

다시 설레고 싶다

다시라고 하지만

예전보다는 다른

신선한 새로운 경험을 해보고 싶다

REALIZATION - a step to becoming wiser?

Sat, 05 May 2012 02:22:00 -0400

I’ve come to realization
that my views will always be forever changing.

Before becoming exposed to the currently existing corrupt “real” world,
I had such definite morals, values, judgments and decisions based on what I perceived to be right and/or wrong.

I’ve had the same belief for 18 years of my life until university *BAM*.

Three years of university experience has shown me more to life than ever before, even all the 18 years combined.

I thought I was a product of nature, and somewhat nurture but I personally believed that nature and personal dispositions overrode the situational and environmental context of an individual.

As social psychologists emphasize, I had overestimated and overattributed personal characteristics and dispositions as being the reason for a person’s actions and behaviour, rather than interpreting or considering the situational/environmental factors that may influence and cause a person’s actions.

I had low tolerance, patience and acceptance for people who were different than I was or did things that I perceived as morally wrong. I judged them, believing that it was due to their own “bad” decisions and that they were genuinely bad people. I can’t say this isn’t sometimes the case, but it certainly isn’t always the case, that’s for sure.

Or perhaps, it’s because I am becoming more immuned and corrupt to the ways of our society that I believe that these things ought to be somewhat morally acceptable, as a way of dealing with my own cognitive dissonance - a desire to resolve the internal conflict and tension for the acts I now commit. So am I trying to justify and legitimize my actions by changing my own perception of what is morally acceptable, just so I could feel better about myself?

But back to my point being, I used to be certain that my thoughts and opinions will forever remain unchanged, unwaivered. Having acquired more insight, I ought to admit that my perception and views are constantly changing and evolving.

So then, am I a hypocrite?

The word hypocrite is primed and associated highly negatively within our society.
A hypocrite to me, is someone who contradicts their own opinions and says one thing yet does another.

As much as I hate being hypocrites and those who are hypocritical to their own words, I must admit that it is almost inevitable to NOT be a hypocrite at some point in life.

Maybe when making a statement or judgment at that time being, I thought my knowledge was sufficient enough to make such judgments and to proclaim my opinion. Is it wrong to do such things?

How do you know just “how much” knowledge you have and whether that insight is adequate enough to make an opinionated statement? You don’t.

At that time, you believe your knowledge is all-encompassing, absolute and complete.

So, once you acquire more knowledge and gain further insight, and once you learn that your pevious views were limited in scope, partial and flawed, it is only natural that you shift your perspective to adjust to the new information you have obtained.

Perhaps, I’m just underplaying hypocracy to make myself better, by saying everyone is proned to become a hypocrite once they become more experienced in life.

But wouldn’t it be wiser to embrace the new facts and accept that you were once wrong and change your perspective to factor in the new information, rather than being stubborn and keeping your old views despite the contradictory evidence, just living in denial despite the facts?

Hypocrite or not, I have realized that I should be less harsh towards people who change their prior perspectives, because, more or less, I am probably doing the same thing.

바보

Sat, 05 May 2012 01:51:42 -0400

이별이 이렇게 힘든건줄 알았으면
시작하지 말았을걸,

바보

감당도 못할거면서
왜 바보같이 마음을 줬니?

왜 한번에 푹 빠졌니?

헤엄처 나올수도 없으면서

자신도 없는 그런 미련한짓을
왜했니?

후회 안한다고 자신에게 약속 따위는 왜했니?
지금 후회하고 있잖아

I’ve got no one to blame,
but myself.

Let you go

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 23:49:52 -0500

I gotta stop dwelling in the past,
gotta move the fuck on.

For myself… for me.

I gotta let you go,
and you gotta let me go.

But that didn’t happen yesterday,
I can’t seem to do it today,
it’ll only be harder tomorrow.

But I gotta do this,
I really do.

Maybe today,
hopefully tomorrow.

Love

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 19:39:00 -0500

is oh so bitter-sweet.

The sweetness can turn you into a love-sick helpless puppy dog, while
the bitterness can turn you into a ruthless, vengeance-seeking bitch.

Change... is hard.

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 02:04:00 -0500

사람이 변한다는게 얼마나 힘든 건지
요즘 내 자신을 돌아보며 뼈저리 느끼고 있다.

언제부터였는지 모르겠지만
누구와의 이별을 바랄 때
그 사람을 피하거나
도망 다니는 몹쓸 습관이 생겼다.

이 습관 통해서 더 심한 상처를 주고 있다는 것을 알고 있으면서도
고치고 변해야 한다는 것도 알고 있으면서도
매번 이런 식으로 나는 사람들과 그리고 또
사랑하는 사람들과 관계를 끊어왔다.

그래서 그런지
이번에는 정말 깨끗이 정리하고 싶다.
내 마음, 내 심정, 내가 하고 싶은 말 다 털어놓고 재대로 끝을 내고 싶다.

하지만 쉽지 않을 것 같다.
용기가 매우 부족하고 더욱더 필요하다.
마음은 갈수록 약해진다.

그래서 참 사람은 쉽게 변하지 못하는구나.

Unfinished business, yet wanting closure...

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 01:47:00 -0500

I spoke to you again,
in hopes of achieving a closure to our past.

Yet, we ended up unfolding a new beginning,
which opened my heart once again,
leaving my heart vulnerable and exposed.

“I must put an end to this blasphemy,
I must stop myself before it’s too late…”
I’d tell myself over and over again, each night, each day…
Self-control and resistance, I wanted to achieve.

But my head and my heart spoke two different languages.

My heart wouldn’t listen - it was far too late.

So here I am now, back to the start,
with unfinished business, wanting closure yet again.

어딘가에

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 19:53:33 -0500

어딘가에
있겠지…
나를 위한 사람
그리고 나는 그를 위한 사람…

그 사람 과 그 사랑이
빨리 왔으면 좋겠다